Tuesday, July 11, 2017

pondering decisions

Dear blog,

We all make important decisions in life and many of these I have found in my experience that I often reflect upon and question if they are correct.  Lately in my wee head I have ruminating on these more and more and not finding much clarity.

The one I have been most thinking about lately has been the one a few months ago to stop HRT and to assess if this is the right direction for me.  In particular I have been wondering about the impact these hormones had upon my inherent happiness.

Of course I can look at the destruction spiral that I went on upon stopping and easily state that it was a bad decision.  There were unanswered questions at that time I was grappling with and still am.  I can say that I feel any further towards answering these or even being able to articulate them.  While my mental brain grapples with these, I have been trying to pair things down to my physical feelings.

At the root of these, I keep returning to that euphoric feeling that seemed to overcane me with each dosage.  It didn't happen right away, but soon afterwards it felt each day like the noise of the outside world would be dissaparate as if I was sinking into a warm bath to escape the troubles and chaos all around me.  At the time I told myself that these feelings were just mental and my wishing, but lately I have been thinking that perhaps this was physical body feeling like it was finally aligning with the right mental one. It is a hard feeling to really describe to someone who has not experienced this, and I have been missing this feeling very badly lately.  I also miss those gentle pangs I would feel in my breasts and feel a little bit on the desperate side to get them back.

I wish I knew the right feelings and was able to understand the right decisions for me. Right now, I just don't know or at least I do and don't let myself admit to it.


Monday, June 12, 2017

happiness is?

Hello blog,
Today is not a happy day for me.
Actually when I think of the definition of happy, most of the time I don't think I would classify myself at being anywhere near as what the definition may show as the picture of happiness.
This thought is depressing and makes me wonder just what I need to be happy.
To be loved and accepted by others? To feel part of a larger family/community and free to be myself? To represent myself as Jaclyn and transition to a world which only knows me as she?
I really don't know. I know I could answer yes to some/many/all of these questions above at times in my past but I don't think they have provided me with a magical path to happiness.
I know in a clinical sense there is something with dopamine and anti-depressants that when you find the correct mix you are supposed to have some "awakening" experience and feel better inside.
I have tried many of these wonder pills and have yet to experience that.
I just wonder if I don't really have the capacity to be happy at all.  Is that possible and is that ok?
I think I want to be happy and try to be but do I sabotage myself on purpose or am I really just not able to feel this emotion?  I know that I can feel sadness and pain and really those are overcoming me more and more these days.
So maybe I just don't want to be happy in reality.  That feels sad and depressing but yet is a comfortable state that I am used to being in.
Can I be discomfortably happy?  How do I go about doing this?
I dunno. I wish I did but I am feeling the opposite of happy - hopelessness - right now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Weekend thoughts

Hello Blog,

As the memorial day holiday in the US is almost here, I've started to reflect a little bit on my personal history.  Its almost hard to believe that 4 years ago I finally had enough of the hiding and pretending to come out to my wife about my gender dsyphoria and start talking about it with others.

I have made some small steps since that time but I feel like my progress has been glacial at times.  Most of the time has been a struggle of acceptance, by her, by others, by myself and that has gone in circles at times.   Being trans is not an easy thing and once you start realizing that perhaps your physical and mental gender differ is a total mind warp there.  Often I still wake up wishing that my stupid dna would have aligned these together but that is me being a victim thinking.  After all my years of self-reflection, I have come to the point to just say it is as it is and now just just trying to figure out what to do with it.

Which is probably somewhat where I was 4 years ago.  Damn, do glaciers move painfully slowly sometimes.

The point I still find myself being stuck upon is if I can exist straddling two different worlds and keep it all together.  I've read many blogs and books saying that this is not possible so I wonder why I keep trying to solve an unsolvable problem here.  I am going to start attending some trans events again but this time going with my wife's knowledge rather than sneaking around.  I worry that this may not be enough as I still hurt each time I have to re-dress afterwards and leave that happy world behind.  I know that is probably a big red sign telling me to stop trying to have it both ways, but I guess I am too old and too dumb to know any other one at this time.

Life is so hard some times, I hope that I can make mine easier someday soon.