Friday, December 15, 2017

Winter reflections

Hello blog,

As the last few weeks of 2017 wind down here, I have been doing some reflection recently.   While I did manage to take some positive steps during 2017, I am going to think of this past year as a lot of what ifs and difficult times.   While it has not been fun, I think I may have learned a little more about myself this year and hope that will pay off in 2018 and beyond.

I started off the year feeling fairly positive and good with a few months of HRT seeming to put my mind at ease.  However while I felt a kind of internal peace, I also started feeling myself withdraw as I anticipated coming to a critical decision point where it was time to really move forward.  I wish I could be writing here today that I did something with courage and could hold my head up proud about, but honestly I did nothing like that.  Instead, I freaked out and chose the path of self-destruction.  In the very long and cold early hours of a March night, I felt like I could go no further in this world and started to take steps to end everything.

That was an awful night and the month and half intervention left some lasting scars on me.  I still haven't fully recovered yet and often I still think I am going back to that place.  I have multiple people classifying and telling me to ignore these distorted thoughts that go on, but I honestly feel like a failure in this world at times.

Slowly this past month I have started to make some plans and feel like I am getting drawn back into the world of Jaclyn even though I am not able to give up my current one.   It still goes against most logical thoughts and I feel so lonely and lost here.

What will 2018 bring me? I wish I had hat crystal ball or at least some idea here.  I guess that's why I am still here to find out for.

Happy holidays and wishes for a merry new year.


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

my depression

For those people who do not question our gender and suffer from depression, I'd like to let you know that it really sucks.  No this blog is not going to be a long winded ranting about poor me, but rather I'd like to write about the hell I experience on a daily basis trying to cope with my depression.

Lately the depression side of me seems to be winning as I have had a hard time trying to tune it out. No matter what meds or therapy (yes I am sought out our traditional western medicine to no avail), I still feel like shit more days than not.  Its one of those things that I just can't get over it and I find myself not really interested in doing much of anything and questioning why I even try.  I wonder often what is so mentally wrong with me when I look at going down a flight of stairs not really just a method to get where I want but rather an opportunity to do a header and try and land and snap my neck.   I know that some people may say the reason I am depressed is that I am spending all this energy on a daily basis to try and be someone else but I think if I removed my gender issues I would still be depressed.  I wish there could be someone I could talk to but how do you approach someone to tell them you fell totally empty and not even sure why you are even bothering at anything anymore.   I think this falls into that uncomfortable category that you know most people would more like to talk about weather, sports, theather, politics, etc.

I just don't know where to turn or how to keep going on these days.  Depression sucks.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

pondering decisions

Dear blog,

We all make important decisions in life and many of these I have found in my experience that I often reflect upon and question if they are correct.  Lately in my wee head I have ruminating on these more and more and not finding much clarity.

The one I have been most thinking about lately has been the one a few months ago to stop HRT and to assess if this is the right direction for me.  In particular I have been wondering about the impact these hormones had upon my inherent happiness.

Of course I can look at the destruction spiral that I went on upon stopping and easily state that it was a bad decision.  There were unanswered questions at that time I was grappling with and still am.  I can say that I feel any further towards answering these or even being able to articulate them.  While my mental brain grapples with these, I have been trying to pair things down to my physical feelings.

At the root of these, I keep returning to that euphoric feeling that seemed to overcane me with each dosage.  It didn't happen right away, but soon afterwards it felt each day like the noise of the outside world would be dissaparate as if I was sinking into a warm bath to escape the troubles and chaos all around me.  At the time I told myself that these feelings were just mental and my wishing, but lately I have been thinking that perhaps this was physical body feeling like it was finally aligning with the right mental one. It is a hard feeling to really describe to someone who has not experienced this, and I have been missing this feeling very badly lately.  I also miss those gentle pangs I would feel in my breasts and feel a little bit on the desperate side to get them back.

I wish I knew the right feelings and was able to understand the right decisions for me. Right now, I just don't know or at least I do and don't let myself admit to it.