Getting past my personal transphobia

I feel like I am in the middle of a self-reflecting phase so I have lots of thoughts recently that may come out on the page like verbal diarrhea. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense beyond inside my head here.

I've been thinking about my trans questioning and my personal history of questioning.  Or more specifically, my personal trauma with trans questioning.

I'm ashamed but more many years and still today I have what others have labeled transphobia for these thoughts.  Meaning that I am scared to admit that I may be trans and then hate and shame fill me because of this.  Most days when thinking of all of this I go back to the time when I tried to admit this to my life partner only to be told I was wrong in these thoughts, I was being filled with suggestions from my therapists and online sources, and how quickly they, my daughter, my family, work and everyone would leave me if I just didn't forget about this and move on.  Since that was almost 11 years ago and I am still writing, I have not been able to forget about this and feel like moving on has been a struggle up and down ever since. 

As much as I would like to say that I have grow wiser and/or made peace, I feel like I am still stuck in the trauma.  I feel like I am still stuck in the transphobia and hate for myself for being me. 

I continue to live a life in hiding, braving enough in safe virtual spaces or rare ventures out in stealth away from those who know my presenting self.  I can't move past this trauma or self shame and have resorted to physical harm rather than any additional emotional stress.   

I feel alone, scared, pathetic, little and don't know what to do or where to go from here.

In short, at this point in my life I feel defeated and all I have left is personal shame and transphobia. I don't want to live like this but also paralyzed to change. I can analyze this, write about it or even talk about it in a safe environment with a therapist but for 99.9% of my life I can't address it, won't address it and probably will be like this forever.

I am feeling so sad and lost today and wish I could just have a hug.

~Jaclyn

Black hole sun

 Hello blog,

This past week has been eventful and really not sure how I am feeling about things completely right now.

As mentioned in my past reflections on trying to determine my identity, I got a chance a few days to witness the total solar eclipse as that experience had been something I had always wanted to do.  Sometimes when do something you always wanted happens it is sort of anti-climatic, I would say that experiencing the solar eclipse for me was anything but that.

I prepared and researched but the whole experience was so amazing beyond words.  Pictures and videos could not prepare me for the moment when the moon's shadow swept in from the southwest and blackened the sky in the middle of a bright sunny day.  It felt unworldly and emotionally and mixture of feelings wrapped up together.  I cheered, cried, was mesmerized and then despaired for the sun to return in a matter of a few short minutes.   The images and feelings are still burned in my memory and it is hard to not think about that.  Below is my amateur photographic attempt of the void we saw in the sky.

Of course being a depressed and broken person that I am, this got me thinking of the emptiness that I feel inside at times.  I got a reality check the following day when I found that sharing too much with my therapist made her feel unable or unsafe for us to continue together.  Being damaged goods means that less and less people feel able to help out and I don't blame them for that belief.  While I guess it is better sooner than to spend a long time together, it still felt like another failure for me when really I was so hoping that she could help me sort out the questions I described in my last posts.

Truth be told, it just sucks and really no one can help me but me. And I don't have a good track record of that so I'm unknowing what to do at this moment. Like the moon and sun in the eclipse, I feel like my life is lining up to complete darkness here.  I question if that will lift or if I will be stuck in blackness and despair is building internally here.  I may be being a drama queen again, but I can't see any way out and feel that hopelessness and feel like I am drawn towards it like a black hole.  

I have been crying alot here and suicidal thoughts keep coming back to me. I don't know why I am a mistake and often think the world could use me being out of it.   I wish I could be more hopeful but I think that I am not wired for that emotion.  I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up.

What am I (part 4: items 11-14)

 

Hello blog, 

I'm hoping that today's post will wrap up a fairly prolific week in which I have been spending alot of time processing many thoughts and ideas in my self-questioning evaluation.   After today I will be taking a little break to step back and view this picture all together and decide what it is telling me.  

Right now I am so close that all I can see is the blurriness of tiny little color dots instead of a the overall masterpiece that makes up a picture.  

In my past posts I have mused about my how my thoughts & behaviors towards gender questioning, obsessions with appearance and gender expressions, sexual and physical thoughts and actions may reveal some understanding of what I am.  When considering this big question, I also need to examine other mental behaviors that may be a reaction to how I view myself.

In particular, I know that I have a hard time over-thinking about things and also dwelling and feeling regret.  In part this has led to deep depressive states and I do not think I will ever have a period of my life when suicide is not at least a passing thought.  It is just the core makeup of my mental state here and perhaps telling in way like how I spend so much time hating my physical body or obsess over my thoughts and wishes.   I will warn if you are like me, suicide discussion can be triggering and will advise to avoid if that is your case as well.

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(11.)   Analysis paralysis - hand-wringing and perseverating but not doing anything

If there ever is a major decision in life that I make a sudden, definitive decision then that will be the first and perhaps anyone who knows me will really question my sanity.  Overthinking and perseverating are pretty much the standard that I do for anything.

Case in point, posting number five on questioning how to label myself with more to come.  

I don't know why I get stuck at this point and often wonder if that is because I am not asking the correct questions or that what I think is correct is not the true answer.   I think when I come down to understanding if I am trans or if this is just something I really am not but pretend to want to be, not being able to definitively answer/determine anything feels like a sign to me.  I don't want to make a life changing decision and get buyers remorse right after making this, but not being able to decide either way is even a worse fate.

Is my indecisiveness a telling sign that I am looking for something that really isn't there?  

(12.) Stop / Purging - why do I wan and wax

Besides being stuck in the middle of deciding anything, I also wonder if the fact that my obsessions with gender have waxed/waned in different times in my life.

For a good period of time from my late 20s to mid 30s, most of these thoughts seemed to be absent. If I was really trans, could this be true or is this a sign that I am something else. I mean, if I could really stop at one point, doesn't that mean it is not really my nature.

I have purged my wardrobe along with my thoughts but those periods seem to have shorter rebound timelines.  But I was able to do it at one time so I should not really be trans or wouldn't I not have been able to do it in the first place.  Of course, the opposite is that I end up repurchasing later so is that a sign to the contrary.

I feel so turned around and confused and again that imposter syndrome makes me feel like I shouldn't have this if I was trans.   Or do normal people also experience similar thinking and shame about things then return to them. 

(13.) Depression / denial cycle

After all this perseverating and purging, this always seems to lead me back to depression.  I know the cycle may be I think about a new look, obsess over pictures and search for the ultimate outfit, go out and try it on and come home with it, feel good for a fleeting moment then feel the shame rolling in like the evening fog, finally to hid/deny/purge/hate and feel depressed.

It is a very exhausting cycle that I know when its coming but can't get off of it.   I spend multiple hours of awake most nights and throughout the days with this shame, self-hate and what would be clinical depression.

Anti-depressants and fancy therapy haven't helped as I am always trapped with me.  I can't even dream of life ever getting better and this exercise of trying to define myself has started the cycle spinning again in my broken brain.

If I was trans, wouldn't thinking about these things cure my depression or at least stop the cycle.  Again, I know I have flawed logic but I also don't think I can just ignore the years of depression and low self-worth.

(14.) Suicide

Finally, the last point to consider is my constant thoughts of suicide.  This act is constantly on my mind and each day I deal with idealizations of this constantly.

I have submitted that one day this will be my fate, not a matter of if but rather a matter of when.  I have multiple methods, plans, final notes to leave, etc. and feel that I am prepared for this anytime.  I know I have no value for my life as I don't see much redeeming, but also know that I have some hard-wired safety switch that has been holding me back for the most part so far (besides the two half-assed attempts).    Whatever the reason, I guess I am still here and writing this due to some hope that while I cynically feel is unobtainable I also cling to as a last resort.  

Whatever it means, the only thing in my life that rivals my constant questions about gender is my constant thought of my death.  I cannot explain what I get out of closing my eyes while crossing a busy street or holding a bag over my head or looking at a bottle of pills and imagining what I may do.  I must be broken or sick but I will probably do something to simulate or pretend suicide before the end of the day and still go on to do it again the next one.   

This topic may seem so far off in questioning one's gender or label, but again I am wondering if this a sign that I really am one thing or a fraud and failure or what I am.

Well, that is the end for now of me trying to enumerate the thoughts/behaviors/feelings that make me wonder what my label is and calls for a long pause to reflect.  Clarity like optimism is something I do not possess and this exercise is like stirring up the water in a pond with the mud from the bottom.

I am going to sign off for now, and hope that this weekend leads to clear skies and I can experience the solar eclipse headed nearby.  I will at least return to revisit and talk about how I try to tie all my random thoughts here together soon.

Until then, hugs ~ Jaclyn