Thursday, October 31, 2013

New do

Hello blog,

When today I got the chance to have some me time and it felt, well great.  I have regretted my latest purge as I am missing Jaclyn and the feelings of connecting to my inner feminine self.  I know that it sounds canned that dressing can make one feel more softer and in touch with their soul but for me that is exactly the case.

Anyways, I broke down the other day and bought a new wig.  More a natural brown than auburn (I do wish it had some auburn highlights) but I am going with a medium length look for now.  I kept all my makeup so from the head up I got a few minutes to feel like myself for awhile.

I can't talk about this with my wife and I feel a bit of guilt after the fact by omission here.  I constantly feel torn between being me and feeling good and not being an embarassment to her or disappointing her in anyway.  I know my therapist tells me to not and try and control how she feels but I know she would kick me to the curb in no time if she came home and saw me en femme.

Funny thing is that today is Halloween and I would so so so love to be able and dress and walk around.  Not in anything outlandish mind you but I find that its is acceptable on a day like today for 'normal' people to appear different than expectations but it is still nowhere close to acceptable for someone to present differently on most days than what is expected.  I hate this societal definitions based on what's swinging (or not) between one's legs, and if I could I would find some way to alter that as well.

Oh well, at least I had a few moments for me and that has helped me through today.  Happy Halloween.
Hugs, Jaclyn

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

So it goes...

Hello blog,

This morning started off so-so, I had a pleasant dream about walking around freely interrupted with the alarm clock going off all too early. I thought how nice it would feel pulling on a long autumnal skirt and then got out my plain work pants.  I love how my nails are growing longer and then disappointed that they don't have any polish.  And so things go I guess.

I took a long walk yesterday afternoon and thought of so many things. I really want to start restocking and may look at getting a new hair style later today.  I have been writing more and had some poetic thoughts bouncing through this mixed thing I call a brain.   I remember that rapeller analogy that I used before and think of myself careening wildly off of rocks trying to figure our which path to take.

Some questions it seems don't have the right answers and I feel destined to try our all the wrong ones.  And so it goes.  Hugs,
Jaclyn

Monday, October 28, 2013

Confession

Hello blog,

I have spent a long time recently thinking about many things.  Mostly it all comes back to how uncomfortable I feel as a man and trying to accept that I am who I am.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with my therapist whom I think is going to recommend me to see a psychiatrist. I told her I was scared to see one but not for the real reasons why.

Really, I want to see one and confess that I do not want to continue like this.  I feel like I am a complete mistake in body and really the only time I feel right is when I present as Jaclyn.  I want to start HRT and see where that leads although I fantasize about completing the process.  I know that this is not an easy choice and not without severe consequences, the least of which means leaving all family and things behind.

Right now that is the only thing I want though.  I can't deny this any longer and need to start confessing the truth. Can I do that? Will I do that?  I need some strength and someone to tell me it is alright or at least I can make it.

I need a hug.
Jaclyn

Friday, October 25, 2013

Hair

Hello blog,

I am coming more and more to realize that my mind and heart are definitely not in alignment these days.

I've been lying awake and thinking about the what I want to be lately and I feel more tore in 2 different directions than ever before.  Part of me wants to slap the other hald around and tell him enough of this foolishness, get it all together and forget all about Jaclyn..  The other half tells me the same thing but to my male self. I hate this inner turmoil that even makes me question my own sense of self-being.

I don't know why but I feel stronger and stronger tull towards the forbidden Jaclyn. Is that a case that I want what I know I can't have? Or is this just my real true self that I can no longer suppress.  I feel so totally f##ed up these days and flip from one emotion to another on a dime.

So here's what's on my mind right now. Hair.  I keep thinking about how good it felt having my wig on even though I know this isn't my own and only imagining how wonderful having locks of hair to style would feel.  I hate my lack of it naturally on my head (and the amount everywhere else) and dream about it so much. I keep thinking of getting another wig but I am afraid that will not be enough. What to do.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Self worth

Hello blog,

I'm here to turn the calendar another day and at least I guess that is something.  Somedays this achievement is a bit harder and lately its been more of a struggle.

Yesterday I had another session with Paula and shared with her my coming out letter.  I was going to read it but it was too painful for me so luckily she didn't press me to do that. We spent most of the hour discussing self worth and my complete lack of it. I know I hear her trying to convince me that I have some, but I still have trouble believing it.  Which was funny that I spent the minutes waiting outside right before our session working on a poem describing how I felt worthless.  I don't know if I really can or want to get better, but last night lying awake I couldn't think about anything other than my deficiencies once again.  She also mentioned for me to try a psychitriest for some stronger meds and I am scared and dread thinking about that.  I am feeling low and helpless right now and hate this feeling of inabiliity to do anyhing about it.

I could use a hug,
Jaclyn

Self Worth
I find myself on the roof but don't want to jump,
I find myself hiding down but don't want to stand up,
I find myself alone againg but want someone to talk to,
Everything is so messed up.

I try so hard but always fail in the end,
I don't know why I care to try and understand,
I cry helplessly but I'm afraid to ever change,
I am such a pathetic worthless soul.

I wish I could love like everyone else,
I wish I could be happy and that be enough,
I wish and I dream and in the end do nothing,
No wonder that I'm a total waste of space.

Should I finally take that leap and let it all go,
Should I close my eyes and accept it fading away so,
Should I find mercy and peace at the inevitable end,
Even at this I fail at again and again.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

hurting

Hi there blog,

I am really struggling right now and hoping that writing will help me here.  The past few days I have been spending most free moments in my head thinking about how much I want to be female and wishing I was on hormone treatment.  I just hate this male shell of mine and the hair and flatness about it. If anything, I just think having more estrogen in my body would help calm me down and improve how I feel. I want to get my eyebrows cleaned up as well and may make an appointment for that soon as well. I know that makes no sense, but I just find myself staring at the mirror with a tweazzers and then crying about it.

I hate this life and I hate being so f@$$d up.
Jacki

Monday, October 14, 2013

Clouds

Hello blog,

Today is columbus day or at least the holiday as it celebrated here.  I've never quite gotten how we celebrate a holiday to commenorate that the Indians were told their homeland is now discovered but then again I guess that is the perspective of those writing text books.

Last week I had my first session with a new therapist.  I hope that this will be productive and will give her an earnest shot. I am still not quite sure of this entire therapy thing.  I alsmost left her office after waiting almost a half hour in the waiting room - I hope that is not par for her running late each time. I spent the time working on a new poem below and started to write some more.

Other miscellaneous thoughts in the old cranium here. I dared to venture on a scale last week for the first time in a few and saw that my weight was still a touch below 150 even though I cheated by stripping down to just my underwear to weigh in. I'm going to start working to try and get to 140 at least so I'll see how that goes.  When I mentioned that and some of my history to the therapist, I instantly earned the depresssion dignostic code. Oh well, that is really depressing.  And onto to more depressing news, follow this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-kaufman/my-life-with-david-danielle-kaufman_b_4072395.html to read about a transgender woman who decided it was too much to keep going on.  I can sympathisize with her knowing that feeling of being up somewhere wondering what you were doing or if you should jump.  I guess for better or worse I am not been known for my follow-through here.

Well, that about wraps my current thoughts for the moment.  I'll try to struggle on through for another day here and hope that things will seem a bit brighter.  Till then, take care.
Hugs,
Jacki


Clouds
Clouds that drift overhead,
Silently shifing, bringing life, bringing dread,
Randomly dispersing their contents onto the ground,
Their lonely cold tears they shed.

Over busy citizens far below,
Bustling, rushing, moving to and fro;
Where are they going?
What does it all mean?
Why should we even care?

These formless shapes without any weight or soul,
Without eyes, ears or senses to hear our despair,
Do we take for granted the clouds above?
Or do they reflect our deep feelings inside?

These unjudging vessels that life depends,
These silent witnesses to our pretense,
These poweful clouds do we even notice them?
Do you feel their rain and know,
Their silent tears are raining down again,



Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Hello Blog,

It has been a long summer since I last wrote and now the weather is turning cooler as Fall is in full swing.  The inner turmoil for me continues to swirl and I feel desperate, alone and end up crying to myself trying to figure out what the hell my life is all about still.

I tried to give my "male" therapist a shot but frankly I felt no connection to him and it seemed like all our talks contiued to revolve around suicide so I stopped seeing him. Tomorrow I am going to try a new female therapist and I am scared once again about seeing here.

Physically, I went through a cycle where I lost weight but lately seem to be gaining it back and still hate my body so much.  My hair sucks, my face sucks, my skin, my fat, etc. etc. - it all sucks.  Deep inside I still wish so much I was born female or could magically change but I know that won't happen and can't admit it ever again.

I've spent the time trying to rebuild the relationship with my wife and family in order to keep things together.  I did manage a fun outing with my girlfriend into the city and we even did some Michigan avenue shopping and that was so much fun. I know most people could tell that I was in drag but it was a hoot being out there and not caring.  But that was the last outing for Jacyln.

The biggest arguement came near the end of summer with my wife when trying to convinve her weeks of therapy was working she came out and confronted the fact that I still had all of Jaclyn's clothes.  So I did the big purge once again, and I have been so depressed since that time knowing how many small victories it took to amass it all and then in one fell swoop to lose it.

I have really been having urges to go back to buying clothes once again, and have been having dreams where my penis disappears. I hate myself and know I need to stop this but it is so damn hard. I stopped writing and thinking that maybe I need to restart again to help ease the tension, but who knows what the hell I am doing.  Lately I have been going to tall places and staring down and wondering if I should just give it all up or what I should do.  I really wanted to reach out to Barb to talk to her but I know how much my wife hates her so I haven't.  I wish I knew just what to do...

Ciao,
Jacyln