Thursday, April 19, 2018

Hiding in plain sight

Hello blog,

Today I feel invisible or at least seem that way somedays when I think of myself as Jaclyn.  I often wonder each day what my day would really be like if I actually had the courage to live as Jaclyn.  I know that instead of the safe and comfy days I have now, things would be so much harder, maybe lonelier and perhaps even a bit sadder at times.  But I still wish each day for this and as I start my journey find myself more and more imagining that I am getting closer to that.  I believe that others have this feeling as well in the community, but until I can fully commit to this I feel like a prisioner of sorts.  At least that is what I am thinking of when I wrote this poem today:

Hiding in plain sight
Always hiding here in plain sight,
Making sure no one else can see,
Maintaining a safety net that I loathe,
A security cushion surrounding me.
Can't give up this charade, have to play the part,
For this hand I'm dealt,
Although each day hurts more and more inside,
I'm incapable to move apart.
I strive each day for some normalcy,
And find no place left to hide,
Know that freedom is found within few words,
While my prison I lock myself inside.
It's been safer in there than to be out,
Or taking chances as the true me,
How long I can remain I don't know the answer,
And yearn so bad to be free.
Today I don't have strength yet to take this step,
Today I don't have courage yet so I will fake,
Today I will continue to hide in plain sight,
Until at last I take a stand and fight,
And let the true me be finally free.

I continue to pass others and wonder if they have any idea what goes on in my head.  I am sure they don't and wonder their reaction if I did fully come out.  I am hoping for that day someday, but for today I will have to continue in my little own world locked inside here.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

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